Things to do in Denver when you wish you were dead

August 9, 2007

This week, I’m in the Mile-High City for training on Cisco content switches. As a public service should you ever find yourself in the same scenario, let me tell you how to get to [unnamed tech training facility] in Denver, Colorado.

First, find your rental car in the hotel parking lot, a Chevy HHR (a vehicle that is capable of outrunning only toddlers and the very elderly). Next, apply full acceleration to exit the parking lot and merge with other cars traveling at 30MPH. At this point, begin driving around the city. As you attempt to decipher the map you’ve brought, notice that several streets are named identically except for their suffixes. If you see Johnson St., don’t turn. However, if you see Johnson Rd., make a left. Don’t forget to curse the city planners. Also, don’t forget to accelerate liberally, or you may find yourself moving in reverse, such is the awesome power of the HHR.

Now, after 40 minutes or so and a distance traveled of approximately 2.6 miles, you should arrive at the correct street address for [unnamed tech training facility]. However, instead of [unnamed tech training facility], there will be a large fitness club in its place. You’ll want to sit on the curb outside the fitness club for a few moments retracing your steps, looking for [uttf]’s phone #, and just generally basking in the moment. When you’re unable to find a contact number and you’ve had your fill of curb-sitting, go inside and ask a personal trainer if she knows where [uttf] is located. She’ll tell you that it’s “downstairs“, where downstairs is short for “downstairs, across the parking garage under this building, inside section D of another building (whatever the hell ‘section D’ means), up the elevator, on the 3rd floor”. After another 10 minutes or so, you’ll be sitting in a classroom with 7-8 other folks, all of whom had nowhere near the difficulty you did.

There! Now wasn’t that easy?

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4 Responses to “Things to do in Denver when you wish you were dead”

  1. Ellis Benus Says:

    Savage,

    I actually laughed out loud at that.

    A few months ago Perry was working on my truck and I had an HHR for transport.
    Ghastly little things!
    The worst part is trying to look at stoplights through the 6″ tall windshield!

    Have fun in Denver, and stay away from those female personal trainers in ‘Sector D’.

  2. Jeremy Says:

    That’s hilarious!

  3. themarksavage Says:

    Ellis,

    No kidding, man! The first thing I said when I got in was, “Wow. This thing has zero visibility. I hope we don’t wreck. . .”

    mark

  4. themarksavage Says:

    Jeremy,

    As you can imagine, it was slightly less hilarious for me. Ha!

    Seriously, though, I’ve spent more time lost in this city than any other. No joke, I’ve counted at least 4 streets that have the same name as another, but with a different suffix. Nothing against the lovely city of Denver, but who thinks that’s a good idea?

    mark


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